We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”