We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
adam and eve had first world problems
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop