We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.