Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

neighborhood watch

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.