Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

catch me on valentine’s day like

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.