We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
You Might Also Like
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I don’t hate children, just yours.