We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.