We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
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three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
