We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
me and the Superbowl rn
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
🐕🍷
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.