“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort