“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song