Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Real 😅

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

time for some seasonal decor