Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel