Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Merica.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail