Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm