Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

There is wisdom there.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Stonehinge

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

2024 has been a rough few years

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise