Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

I feel it

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Sheep

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see