“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
New Tinder profile.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.