“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Twitter remains undefeated
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
hmm conte-me mais
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator