Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight