“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.