Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

let’s discuss

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies