Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong