Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”