Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry