Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
this was very charming
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.