Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

Hmmmmm

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol