“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”