“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
