Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa