Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook