Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

S/o to @funTweeters .

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”