Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

At least try to make it slightly believable

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Holy crap this is wonderful

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)