We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*