We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
You Might Also Like
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist