We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
The only equipped I am is ill.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!