were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Raisins are grape jerky.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
oppen heimer style lol
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.