were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none