were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If I ignore life will it go away?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.