were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.