Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.