Werent we promised soylent green by now?
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The pasta is now
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.