Werent we promised soylent green by now?
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”