Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

I’m sorry…what?

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”