*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.