Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

A woman drives into a bar.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

me, after any kind of buffet.

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

That’s amazing.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat