Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead