Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.