Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I hope they boil the right one.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

ew if literal: let me be clear

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.