*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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Smile they said.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
This checks out
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
everyone’s a critic
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”