*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.