Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
no refunds
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati