West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.