Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”