West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Has science gone too far?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}