West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Follow me for more recipes
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.