West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Sending in my taxes
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Pandas 🐼🖤
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.