West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.