Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.