Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs