Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.