Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

man i love columbo

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Beards are a privilege, not a right

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.