WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”