Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

*changing sex positions*

ok now let’s do a silly one

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.