Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier