Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.