wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
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how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
life lately
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
