wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
What about a To-Don’t List?