Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

opening a flower shop called women in stem

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?