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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse