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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Just say no
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*