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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Gross if literal…Liverpool
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.