Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.