We’ve all been there…
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I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I put the h in mysterious.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.