We’ve all been there…
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all